Like the days are passing bye, and the days of the year already reached by birthday. I am turning thirty-seven and I feel like twenty-two, and for this return a view off my three years in Berlin. The return to come a week to the Netherlands, since the last time I visited it only twice for a weekend and one time five days in Belgium where I use to work. And now the reflection is coming in, for some reason I don’t know where I should stand if I didn’t go to Berlin. My life changed and I saw more in myself to create than only the gender transition in the last 5 years or maybe six if I count the proses I did before. And here I am, confused and happy. Happy because I feel free, and the discovery is making me attractive to travel more around the world. I would love to see India and south America. My last visit outside of Europe was Chicago and I loved it, mostly because of my friend who were there and how I directly dived in the friendships of my friend. And so I meet people who are often in India and it would be possible to go in November of 2023.
So yes, happy with a future ahead and more to come, and in here I feel confused about my gender transition. It feels like it was unnecessary, not because I want to go back or that I am not like it. No, I love it, but I am just confused about the world I am living in, confused because everyone is somehow delusional in their reality. At it makes me crazy in the reflections we put on each other in how we should live. It doesn’t make sense how we all are pushing our insecurities on each other and say that’s life. People, please stop with this nonsense, stop being afraid of each other. Ahhhhh (haha laughing for myself) ahhh in a way that I feel free in who I am, but I feel and see the world around me in a FUCKED UP stated. It feels like people are losing their minds and are so unconscious that it makes me sick.
So, I am back here in The Netherlands, and I am in Utrecht right now, but damn it is even worse than Berlin this place. The abruptness in the society of performing for status is feeling awkward. And yes, I also enjoy it, maybe not all off it but I am happy to be back for a moment to reflect. And even now I think I should write more, but the moments of time are not the best to write more. I feel also a way in the topics I talked about in my previous posts, that life for me in Berlin also went up and down, so nobody to blame. It is me that is changing, and it is not making my life easier. Last week I received a beautiful piece of text from a friend. Here is a piece he sent me, and when I read it, I felt like this moment of life for myself, confused and not always easy in understanding the world in where we live. I feel I am seeing the world from more dimensions than only mine; I feel the dimensions of others to and how their energy of open behavior and creation is there. (Or closed and controlled behavior) and here I feel free in how my life is becoming, I feel I am leaving the closed and controlled behavior behind me. I am here, I am living in my creation, and it makes me happy, but not easier. It makes me alive, and it feels beautiful with the edge of being one of the first.
My life is open for exploration and only fear is holding me down in how I explore this life of mine and others. The gender transition was only the first escape of reality, I feel sorry for myself but not ashamed of my creation for a world that becomes crazy. I hope for the reader who is reading this that life is more than the dimension of yourself and only you can create this world that is more and more in how people are creating the world, when do you see the light?