How do I do, even when I feel writing I do more in exploring and resting. I feel great and that’s a good thing, even if I do my lazy things. Yes, I am here in Berlin now for about eight months and it’s a city that feels good for me. Will it be forever or for my next couple of years, or are there things that are tempting to explore more. There is still the feeling that I need to do more in exploring the world but for now I am here and I am trying to sustain my workflow in an easy pace. And in that lazy feeling I am still looking for a fulltime job in something else than the hospitality world.
Finally, I am writhing again and it is again in Mano, a café just two minutes biking from my house in Wranglekiez. Its just around the clock of twelve in the night and the café is quite full, the people behind the bar are busy and it gives me an relax environment to crawl back in the bird nest. It’s a two bye two meters hideout above the bar and some sitting rooms. I feel cosy here and it’s a nice feeling to have a view inside the café and to look outside. U can crawl back and that’s a good feeling, even that u know u are in a bar with allot of people.
Sometimes I meet people to talk with and sometimes I feel so cosy the whole day that I can read my books and come to some kind of rest. Knowing that the rest or easy feeling here is not the best rest and that’s why I still need my time alone in my room. The feeling to be alone and just sleep or being not disturbed is perfect.
Feeling my life here in Berlin coming to a moment that things are working out, even in a situation I am not totally Shure how my winter is going to be. I feel that its perfect for me to be in a situation I am surviving my economic way, and the psychological part in me is relieving. It’s even a matter that I find myself in a healing way off letting things go and that brings me to my dreams. I am dreaming and remembering them when I am waking up, its coming back and I love it. It’s a big part of things that are happening and its for me so good to feel my dreams again. Dreaming about new things and sometimes they are scary in a good way, and sometimes its just a dream of things I really want to explore… like… dreaming about two white bats is my best memory, and even it felt scary on the moment after it, after a little bit of research it felt so good it happened. It’s so relieving because when I was around fourteen, I dreamt a lot end even in a way of controlling the dreams. When I was young, I only had nightmares and when I turned nineteen my dreams disappeared. When I was twenty-five, I did some hypnoses to get my dreams back but at the day of that hypnoses (something happened…) it went disturbed on that happening in the night, that I couldn’t tell if it helped.
And when I started my transition things came back, even a nightmare about my dad. And after my operation in Thailand things went crazy in dreams. They changed into English and were heavy and maybe once a month. And when I left the Netherland to live in Berlin my dreams changed into a healing feeling. And now after allot of different changes in my life I can say that the dreams are here every week, sometimes more than once and last week even four times. Its feeling good and a really fine feeling in myself that is making my very happy its here again.
Dreams and relaxations in my body, my soul connecting to my body in a new way. Its good and it makes me happy. But not everything is always as happy as my dreams. It is the things that can break me when I feel annoyed how things went with my mom and that I didn’t could explore myself when I was younger. It is sometimes just feeling shit that I am trans and not a cis girl. It is about how the feelings are inside and that my body is just not as all the girls around me.
It’s not that I can’t do my things as a woman it is the different feeling what I have with men. It is still a confrontation that I am not cis and it somehow bothers me quite hard. Not the doubt I did a wrong thing in my life because I really love my change in gender from my body perspective the whole transition feels really good. It’s the part that I never could feel how it is to be cis and be born as a ciswoman. It is the things I feel inside me when people react different to me than to cis girls. I think I can never change it and I let it be, but it is sometimes a pain in the ass that it’s in my head and its not going away. It is processing thing and I hope I can grow into a life with a man to forget these things, and just have a boyfriend who treats me like a cis girl and makes me happy.
I never thought I feel this kind of desperate to have a boyfriend in this way and maybe it’s a future thing that will happen in time. I still feel that I am polyamory so it not only one man.
It is a dream and it are good dreams that feels good just to explore myself. I just hope it will happen in my future. It just feels amazing that I can dream and talk about this and I never expected it to me that I wanted this. It’s a growing thing as a woman to have, and I like it, even when it’s a hard thing to realize but things can happen just out of the bleu. We will see but it gives me a good hope it will happen to me (:
With this love in myself and dreaming in this way it feels good to end this peace of text. I am here in the world doing my things in a lovely way and people around me love me just because of that. Just doing and feeling easy and comfortable between everyone. And so, I will continue my life in view of the future. Welcome life I love you and myself (: