My moments in thoughts are moving in how I can move in a world that feels new to me. It is the feelings to move and do like a woman but I still feel I need to learn how I need to feel in the situation that is there. I can say how things are or how it is to wear a dress and knowing how u need to behave in it. A lot of people will say it is obviously in what to do, even if they forget that I didn’t do my childhood in an situation that people react to the things you do and want to say to you that its not the way to behave like a woman or a girl. Even when I do things that are not allowed in behaving like a woman, people don’t dare to speak to you that it is not a good sign to behave like that. It is making my journey even more difficult in searching how to behave.

Still I am not talking in behaving on work or day problems with the people you know, it is often the problems I feel when I am dating or making new friends, just the way of meeting new people. This is the daily question about how to earn in my situations and how to coop with others in having my own life. So, then it rises up in me how to behave in sexual feelings and attractive feelings. Even de more not spoken things in where I am becoming to feel comfortable in, even I know the desire to be in are so young. It is the difference in my transition in how I am feeling, I am going to things I always wanted but didn’t felt comfortable in with my outside looking gender. To my outlooking gender is changing and me feeling lovely with my body having a vagina, to explore that desire world more and more comfortable in the being I am now. And here is the struggle I feel in how can I, feel like the other girls on how they are being seen and threaten bye men and boys. It is that learning process to look dare make yourself attractive and know how to protect yourself. It is the things u learn wen u grow up as a girl to become a woman and that is the thing I missed out. How can I get this information in behaving and doing in just so few years or even months I am living now?

Even when I am typing this and sitting here in GoodMorningMonday I hear another table talk about relationships and the struggles about it. Thinking how they are looking in the world and in doing things it is a kind of same for me in the struggle I am feeling with this. But even in knowing that struggles in life are making you stronger wen u fear to face them. so, I am feeling good in how I dare to face these desires in me and I am not afraid to face them, I think I like it to do. It is the same thing I am having sex in the train with a total stranger just because how I looked at me and how I give over to let me go in being a woman who just wanted some attention in sex. Dammit I can be so vulnerable wen men know what I want and they like to treat me like a woman or just like someone they like.

And that is a real difficult state for me, it is so difficult that other people look at you and they like you as a woman and not as a strange one who they can’t understand. Or worse in what is that man doing in a dress…. ah I hate that so F…. much. So, to see myself in who I am it is difficult how people around you are treating you different in how they see you. Sometimes I am been threaten like a woman and I behave like it and the other time they treat u like a man with an alternative look and they can’t get you because I am trying to react as a woman and you are being looked weird. Dammed people around me who don’t understand that if I am wearing a dress you don’t ask me what I am, just treat me like a human being instead of a weirdo. So, becoming to Berlin it is not making this always easier. I need to say I am really growing in who I am and how people look at me. the time I was in the Netherlands last weekend I really felt so more comfortable in who I was, just because my own comfort zone. Here in Berlin I feel that more people are looking at me because I think I am standing out in walking in a dress and not being bothered in who I am. Still this is all depending on the people and not on who you are, even here in Berlin I think people see me more as a man with long hair in a dress then a woman who is strong and bigger. I think that’s the same thing in the sexual or bdsm world where it can be hard for others to have a stronger submissive woman than the dominant man is. But I feel its how to behave and that is so hard to learn in a world what is not around you 24/7. It is that what makes it different to learn for me to be strong and still been threaten as a woman what has more muscles and wants to be submissive. How can I learn this without fall in the hands of the wrong man who just want to do something different with you? Even now I get so much attention on dating sites wen I don’t say I am trans, and the moment I put on that I am trans everything changed. It will come and I think there are more moments that are giving me the chance to learn. Even I know I have more sex and doing a crazy lifestyle than others, I feel lucky and happy in who I am and how I can explore all this. Even if I need to wait longer and even all of this difficult search is the lifestyle what I am creating for myself. I don’t know if I want a relationship with one person. I still think I am polyamory and I will meet the right people to start that relationship with us together. Maybe sooner than I think, it is that possibility to have a poly relationship without having sex with each other. It is the feeling that you are having a relationship to life, work, hug, teach, and explore love with more people than just one.

And maybe that is the same is in where I am heading with the picture u see of my new industrial piercing, it is different and for most of my people I know from the Netherlands to extreme. I don’t know why and that’s the same in the way of talking about me in having sex and exploring the bdsm world. I feel so good with this piercing and still I know that the step to Berlin is making this happen. I think that’s why I need to explore these things somewhere else than my old home town end make this exploration on my own.

Will be continued…