Here on that little hill inside of Gorlitzer park is a place in my feelings what is growing stronger. Maybe because of the situation, or just to be like it had to be, I am here in Berlin and this is a place what is giving me just that feeling. Days are switching from a good feeling to a bad and back again to a great feeling in what I am discovering. The way I can feel a home or making that own home with the feelings that are existing in how I except the world around me. still questions going on how things are working to making friends and becoming myself in a world that is just a little bit different.
Meaning in that way that the whole world is a bit different and everyone is trying to find themselves in a situation that is confronting us. Maybe it is just that that is hard for us all to be confronted to do just everything in peace with more time for everyone. Letting things become to a reality how fucked up the world was in how we worked or lived for the economic state of our country and the rich people under us. Meaning the rich that had the money wen they were born, or just the one who never had a realisation how people can be afraid of the world were we live in. and now we are confronting us how much stability we have of all that work or addiction what we are making us. That’s the same for me, to ask to myself ‘ am I afraid to live’ ?
Can I be here confronting myself on every way I never had thought of it, sitting here in the park for the last two months now doing nothing more than realise what I want to do. Life is getting me to feel more rest in every way, and the fillings that I don’t want to see. But now I cannot hide anymore, life is confronting me here to see a world that has more time then ever before. Time that gives us the realisations how to become friends and having time for it to enjoy it. Even the time how it is to be alone without of the thoughts of work. So even that thought of work is going on in my head, so not of not thinking about it. I am getting ready to start to go to work, its just depending if we may open and it looks like we are going to start somewhere in May. Mostly the first reason to go to work is not the money, it is the time I can meet new colleagues end step more into a society here in Berlin. So even in all what I talked before it is something that is even me holding back in life, can we ask us how hard it is to step into a world that cannot offer a economic state of doing. De we need this or is is possible to live all together without that. Do we can go back to a slower world and more freedom of time, is time holding us back because we are offering to much of it to feel alive?
So I still think there is a lot going on in me, and I think that being afraid of life is one of them, can I life free without of making conclusions that are not having a feeling who I am. I am letting this the way it is and keep on telling something different, even I think that I am not afraid there can be only me who is giving that a chance.
The sun did go under while I was typing this first peace, and now I opened up a whisky. Its one of the three little bottles I got from Pieter, we did saw us the last evening before I took the train to Berlin. And now I am thinking about that, leaving and coming to the place I am today. I am really glad that I am here and doing maybe a harder thing in my life that I ever did before, or that is the feeling in me who is saying it. And even to say that you are doing a hard thing, I am here and I am loving it. Sometimes the way of life is to see new horizons to make your feeling wider, and see that above of a mountain can lie another mountain in the summit. How can I say I am doing a hard thing, maybe others think that are saying that going to Thailand can be harder. But how I see it now, is how we can evolve to do things you really want, even if it is a hard way. And often to chose ways that look harder can be just that to feel that u are living. And so do I have the feeling that I am living, even with the thoughts of being afraid to live.
The whisky is tasting good so thank you for giving me this, and how things u can use brings u back to the time you got them. the time that can give a lot of emotions and now this is giving me a good emotion to being here. Even my thoughts are going everywhere I am still messing around to find feelings in me that are sometimes confronting in my history and some are confronting because how much do I want to step into an other world. How can I feel in who I am bye not dong things or letting out memories. I am searching to make myself cry, searching to go trough pain come to me and feel the way of having peace in it. Can I tell things about pain in ho it feels to you to let it be and other pain is coming up to except the history in what u had. Letting go to live with the things u have bin trough. It is one thing I am really searching here and I think a change in how my room is looking is a nice start to do things I really want to do.
To end all this is still not the best way of thinking about my body, but the world around me in what I want is still judging this often hard in how my body is not the body they want to see. Not even meaning how I look or have a trained body, it is just the bone structures that are there. Even I know that I cannot change that and that I always be there. Its hard to live with it, even I know how to be comfortable with it. It is just hard how your ayes and thoughts confront myself in who I am and what I am not. How can I give this a peace in myself.