Again, my thoughts are going crazy, even in a twisting way and turning to feel good and sometimes just that little but of bad. Feeling that I am living here in Berlin is here but not in a full throttle thing, I am living here and I am glad that I make my ow feelings. Feelings for being together with wild crazy rides to have sex and the feeling in what to do. No, it is not the feeling that it is fantastic but more in the same feeling for looking in myself, sometimes the way of what is going on is still not everyday easy. It is just the way to switch between everything and that there is not a real thing to hide out like a party in a club or meeting people on an event. I feel that the struggle to be alone is not the hardest part I think, its more the difficult feeling that in this time allot of people are not so into making new contacts.
My last weekend was so nice with all that lovely feelings and my Monday was really a rest time because I dd sport allot and put my body to a test with all the practice I did. And yes, I am proud of myself and I am feeling lovely in doing things in the outside. Still the way to be with eleven strong boys doing the same practice and exercise with (not that I am so fit in doing everything) no it was the feeling that I was there and they liked it even the football game we played together ended with hugs so yea I am just feeling so good with these feelings in doing. My Tuesday did go off with a movie and ended up in my first work day at the Rosengarten am Weinbergsweg. Just so free in the things doing and so my day today is like the way of feeling in doing nothing, I don’t know way I am sitting behind a laptop watching tiktok of chatting on dating programs with the feeling in me that I am struggling. Its not bad its just in the way I think I is going and what I want. Sometimes I just feel that saying allot is mostly working against me with all the dating chit and even if I have sex or a date that is working, I feel that I want more and more.
More and more in feelings of sex end pleasure over my body, but even pain and feelings to reach something in doing are a feeling that is really in me and I want to reach it. So it can be hard in telling you some things but I feel that I miss allot just because I am trans, and even in that I think I am doing allot what not everyone can do, it makes me kind of unique and it can give me allot off great feelings in me, even wen it is going on when I am lying in bed keeping me awake. Yea a feeling that keeps you awake, maybe a little bit of that love feeling that can keep you awake. And even for me dreaming about boys/men are coming more and more real, even the guys I footballed with are just feeling as friends but the situation is different in me that I really can like them and sometimes my look is giving me away that I can like some of them.
But still I am lying in bed with the thing I not doing every day because I need to but because I really like to Masturbate, dammed what a great feeling and even the toys I can use these days are really great. So after allot of thoughts about a Womanizer play toy I bought a Womanizer duo and I started testing it last Monday, and dammit its so a nice lazy thing to come or feel really nice stimulation on me, I can not get enough of it and even in doing things I discovered something this morning. It is a thing where I was curries about all the time and it is the way how different my vagina is in working and a cis vagina. I know that things are different and the Bartholin’s gland is the biggest, and I discovered the way in coming is different to, every time I come, I can relate things how it was in the old days only a bit better. Of course, the thoughts are doing the most but in coming it can be a real difference in what happened wen men do the same tricks with my vagina and a cis vagina, it is mostly all the pressure points that are or different or not having that of a big impact. Even if I can tell u that the sensitive feeling I had just after my operation are calming down and I feel more and more relax to push more pressure down there to feel a real sensation. Not that it is hard to come but I feel a difference in sensitivity, I don’t know it’s a good thing.
So, I am searching in myself and it has often to do with sex and the way to do rope sessions and kinky stuff, its more that I am feeling ready to go for it. But even in talking with all the dating sites and dating things I do; I am often more and more into making friends without of benefits. End in this time it is not as easy to go out into a bar and talk to people, so I miss that time and I cannot wait till everything is restored.